ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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