Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
