Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
