This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
