i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
