Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
