And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
