I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
