i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
