Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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