So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
