I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
