We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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