I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
