DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
