I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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