There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
