I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
