Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
