Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
