I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Randomize
