i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
