when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
