I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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