The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
