You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
