i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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