if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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