I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Panties = found
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
