I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
