I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
