you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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