goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
