those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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