I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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