see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
