I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
