i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
