Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
