I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
