The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
