I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
