Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
