the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
