I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
