if you like me you must not know who I am
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
