I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
