When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
