He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
