if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
